I am OK! Are you OK?

Some of you may have heard of the fabulous book "I'm OK, You're OK" by Thomas A Harris, M.D. In the book, he refers to the approach of Transactional Analysis (TA) or the P-A-C (Parent, Adult, Child). I had read the book many, many years ago but have constantly been reminded of the concept during interactions I have with my family, friends and colleagues.

For those not familiar with the approach, there are four life positions that each of us take, with different choices during different moments / interactions:
i. I am OK, You are OK
ii. I am OK, You are not OK
iii. I am not OK, You are OK
iv. I am not OK, You are not OK

Differently put, each of us have three states within us - that of a Parent, an Adult and a Child. In every interaction between two or more individuals, for every individual one of the state is more active or dominant than the other state within him / her. An ideal state would have an Adult interacting with another Adult. I would encourage the readers to check out the book to understand more.

During my recent trip back home for vacations, I was sharing about this with my mom following an interaction that I had observed between her and another relative. A simple question of asking for a choice between dishes to be cooked could have been so different a discussion if the participants had used TA.

In the explanation of the approach, it is stated that generally the position "I'm OK, You're not OK" is uncommon.
However, I think otherwise. I have seen it as a very common approach in personal as well as professional life. I see interactions between colleagues that could be so different only if.......

This is true even of Management Consultants. I am sure almost every consultant will agree with me that they do not approve of a slide made by another consultant. While the depth of experience and skill set could definitely be a factor contributing to such disapproval, many a times, I think it goes beyond this. Many actually choose the position "I am OK, You are not OK". Such choices happen unconsciously, and none of us realise how the same interaction would have been different (and perhaps more constructive and mature) if their choices were different.

I remember this topic getting discussed during Organisation Behaviour program at Cranfield MBA. I am sure it is covered somewhere in most of the MBA programs. What surprises me is that so many of us qualify with the MBA degree and yet fail to translate into practice what we learnt. If this weren't true, why should then I see lack of application of these powerful concepts in real life?

I would agree that applying this approach consciously in your life will not be easy. It would compel you to step out of default / comfort zone - whether in your role as a father, a son, a manager or a colleague. But life would be so different and better if all of us could succeed in doing this.